Curt Shilling wants Roger Clemens to return 4 of his 7 Cy Young Awards due to steroids use. He can keep his other 3 because he earned those, which still makes him one of the greatest pitchers of all time. Furthermore, the fans he drew to the game and the stunning victories he gave us don’t mean anything after 1997. Looking back, I never enjoyed a game Clemens pitched in since 1997. There was no pressure because everyone knows steroids improve hand-eye coordination as well as muscle strength. Anyway, he was already a shoe-in for the hall of fame. He already had 192 wins. The man was done. This brings me to another topic that I feel should use millions of taxpayer dollars investigating…Santa Claus.
There is something like 6 billion people on the planet. The population’s expanding every year and Santa’s not getting any younger. I firmly believe that he must be taking steroids. That is the only way he could keep up with public pressure to perform. I am petitioning that all presents received after 1997 be returned to Santa’s workshop. I know those last 11 years of presents and Christmas cheer now feel cheapened and tainted. We’ve been having false happy memories.
In fact, I think we should go further than that. Taking steroids dramatically increases your risk for cancer, heart disease, impotence, kidney damage, increased blood pressure and liver failure. If Santa Claus develops any of these symptoms, well, it serves him right, right?
That’s the risks that Clemens knew about, yet he still took steroids. If he gets cancer as a result, is that some kind of justice in your mind?
Here’s my idea: Tell Clemens, “Hey, you’re a moron, you might have cut your life short by 20 years, but thanks for all the amazing memories.” Then tell Senate Majority Leader George Mitchell, “Hey, you’re the real moron. You have wasted taxpayer dollars and our government’s time on an issue that should’ve been dealt with by either police enforcement or through the private organization, MLB.
I’ll be back in the hockey mindset after the Ranger game tonight.
